A Nice Place to Fall

morbidly interesting:



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JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS—The man who ordered the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find himself in the lowest plane of Na’ar, Islam’s Hell.

“I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden,” said Osama bin Laden, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. “But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?”

The rest of bin Laden’s words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.

According to Hell sources, the eternally damned terrorist has struggled to understand why he have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since his arrival.

“There was a tumultuous conflagration at our gates, and from it stepped forth this terrorist, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on his accursed lips,” said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrival into the ranks of the forgotten. “Indeed, I do not know what he was expecting, but he certainly didn’t seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that his flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday.”

“I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice,” said bin Laden, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. “But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake.”

Exacerbating the terrorist’s torture, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that he will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise he was expecting.

“It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show this murderer the untold pleasures that would have awaited him in Paradise, if only he had lived a pious life,” said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. “I mean, it’s tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can’t be fun.”

Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorist.

“Eventually, we’ll settle on an eternal and unending task for him,” said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. “But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at him. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on his shattered carcass for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, his flesh will be melted from his bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, he’ll be sodomized by the Fallen and his bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets him all day. I can’t even imagine what he’s got cooked up for him.”

Check this out.

http://www.thejohnnycashproject.com

What an amazing use of crowdsourcing!

Making data look beautiful, here’s a visualization of flights across America.

It’s something of an open secret that Amazon is working on an Android tablet and I am 99% certain they are having Samsung build one for them. Does the world really need yet another tablet? If it were anyone else, I’d say no, but I think Amazon is uniquely positioned to layer in a set of products and services that would differentiate its tablet from the flood of Android tablets hitting the market this year.

Let’s start with a critical question about this tablet: What version of Android will it run? I think there’s an assumption that any Amazon tablet will run Android 3.0, Google’s tablet-specific version of the OS. However, given Google’s recent moves to tighten how OEMs can use Honeycomb, this might not be so likely. In fact, it’s entirely possible that Amazon’s tablet, like the NOOK Color, will use Android as a base upon which to build a totally customized experience that tightly integrates Amazon services. That integration would let Amazon charge a lot less for its tablet than it would otherwise. The reason Barnes & Noble has been able to price the NOOK Color so aggressively ($250 versus $350 to $450 for comparably-sized and spec’d Android tablets) is because they’re assuming you’re going to buy a bunch of books from them over the course of owning it.
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I’ll miss Easter with the family, but I’m off to see an old friend in Mendoza, Argentina this week.

Read more at Vines of Mendoza.

Episodes is a surprisingly funny comedy on Showtime featuring two english screenwriters trying to adjust to life in LA, where their very English comedy series has been recast as a typical American sitcom starring Friends star Matt LeBlanc. Comedy ensues when…

It’s surprisingly watchable, not for the whiny LA TV execs, but for the witty banter between Beverly and Sean.

hilarious!

the reviews are already coming in:

“instant oscar contender”
“even more fighting that usual”
“what a great city we live in!”