Osama bin Laden Surprised To Find Self In Hell

JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS—The man who ordered the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find himself in the lowest plane of Na’ar, Islam’s Hell.

“I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden,” said Osama bin Laden, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. “But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?”

The rest of bin Laden’s words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.

According to Hell sources, the eternally damned terrorist has struggled to understand why he have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since his arrival.

“There was a tumultuous conflagration at our gates, and from it stepped forth this terrorist, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on his accursed lips,” said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrival into the ranks of the forgotten. “Indeed, I do not know what he was expecting, but he certainly didn’t seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that his flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday.”

“I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice,” said bin Laden, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. “But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake.”

Exacerbating the terrorist’s torture, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that he will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise he was expecting.

“It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show this murderer the untold pleasures that would have awaited him in Paradise, if only he had lived a pious life,” said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly Led Astray. “I mean, it’s tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can’t be fun.”

Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorist.

“Eventually, we’ll settle on an eternal and unending task for him,” said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. “But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at him. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on his shattered carcass for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, his flesh will be melted from his bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, he’ll be sodomized by the Fallen and his bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets him all day. I can’t even imagine what he’s got cooked up for him.”

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